John,
Believe me, we hear you and have complete empathy but you unfortunately have this and it is what it is. We completely understand but if you did something stupid, what if a cure were to happen after you did something stupid?! I’m not trying to make light of your thinking but we all got a bad break.
Just to ease your mind a little and show you that you’re not alone, here’s a little of my story which shows you’re not alone. I’ve had this illness for over 50 years since I was 21. Just as I was entering my adult years. I was a very good athlete growing up and looking forward to a professional baseball career. All that changed one morning. Point is, it sucks! BUT, what other choice do I have now? I just have to make the best of what I have. Here’s my introduction post here: Hi - my introduction Hope something helps there.
Keep your chin up and keep posting here.