Moodiness

Well, I'm going to be signing off. My fiance dumped me yesterday over not locking the back sliding door. The dog opened the door and broke through the screen. The dog was returned and I will be the one taking the screen in but he just blew up and dumped me. Even after saying "I'm sorry it won't happen again" as instructed. I can deal with everything but the mood swings. I've been yelled at for not scooping the cat box enough, not having his bowl clean, not having enough of his black socks cleaned and over toothpaste in the sink. I implore anyone who finds themselves taking that much stuff out on their partner to please step back and try to see what you are really angry about. I loved him with all my heart regardless of what was happening to him, but I did not deserve the emotional disrespect he had for me.

Minmay, are you certain this is what you want? Have you sought counseling? If you decide you want to work on this relationship more, you may wish to join our Caregiver Support Community. The behaviors you are describing are common enough between patients and caregivers. It's not fair or right, of course, and no one can judge you whether you decide to stay or go, but if you do decide to try again, I think the Caregiver group will help you. There is a link to it in the right hand column of the Main Page of this website.

I can only offer my best wishes for the future. I am single and have been for some time. I suppose that people can't understand how ataxia affects us. I remember that one woman was dumped by her partner because he did not want a disabled person in a wheelchair. You will be better off forgetting him as he did not value you anyway. Anyone who throws a hissyfit over that is no good.

It is definitely not what I want. I begged him to stay and said I would fix things but I would like him to see someone as well because these anger issues are out of control. But he left me regardless. I didn't care that he would be in a wheelchair eventually. I didn't care about any of the physical things. I could handle those and take them in stride. I just couldn't take all this emotional abuse. And even then I still wanted to work things out and try and fix it.

dancermom said:

Minmay, are you certain this is what you want? Have you sought counseling? If you decide you want to work on this relationship more, you may wish to join our Caregiver Support Community. The behaviors you are describing are common enough between patients and caregivers. It's not fair or right, of course, and no one can judge you whether you decide to stay or go, but if you do decide to try again, I think the Caregiver group will help you. There is a link to it in the right hand column of the Main Page of this website.

I'm so sorry, minmay. :( I am sure he will have regrets.

Dear Minmay
Your post is saddening to read but also disturbing. I don’t mean to use labels but codependency definitely comes to mind. I know what it means to be the “fixer” -a title with huge self sacrifices and self-expense. The two of you need to grow together not in spite of the other. If you feel emotionally abused that is a terrible red flag. As cold as it sounds the problem is not for you to fix or survive. You have to be happy too. And frankly as cold as it sounds parting ways as fiancées may be the best thing that happened to both of you. Wishing you the best.
Mark

No one should put up with verbal or physical abuse. You deserve better!

I didn't want to be the fixer. When he wasn't moody things were great but then small things would just set him off. I just wanted him to seek help for his anger issues and not take them out on me:-(

Teamdawson said:

Dear Minmay
Your post is saddening to read but also disturbing. I don't mean to use labels but codependency definitely comes to mind. I know what it means to be the "fixer" -a title with huge self sacrifices and self-expense. The two of you need to grow together not in spite of the other. If you feel emotionally abused that is a terrible red flag. As cold as it sounds the problem is not for you to fix or survive. You have to be happy too. And frankly as cold as it sounds parting ways as fiancées may be the best thing that happened to both of you. Wishing you the best.
Mark


Thank you
dancermom said:

I'm so sorry, minmay. :( I am sure he will have regrets.

I'm the one with SCA and my husband has anger issues long before we got together. I refuse to allow him to disrespect me and I let him know I will not put up with his anger, regardless of my condition I will go to a nursing home. He has agreed to go for counseling I have to pursue it. No one should put up with people with THEIR anger. For the most part he has learned to control it but it sometimes surface. I am not afraid to be by myself if it comes to that. He is a good caregiver but I am being honest he does have anger issues.

I make it a point to never get mad. It's rare for me to get mad. When he called me crazy for forgetting to scoop the cat box one morning that is the first and only time I have ever blown up at him. I always just say I'm sorry and I won't do it again:-(

Mel said:

I'm the one with SCA and my husband has anger issues long before we got together. I refuse to allow him to disrespect me and I let him know I will not put up with his anger, regardless of my condition I will go to a nursing home. He has agreed to go for counseling I have to pursue it. No one should put up with people with THEIR anger. For the most part he has learned to control it but it sometimes surface. I am not afraid to be by myself if it comes to that. He is a good caregiver but I am being honest he does have anger issues.

I think perhaps not getting mad was the mistake, minmay. If you had gotten mad right back, it would have shown him that you will not tolerate that type of treatment.

Thats when he left the first time when I got mad right back. I just wanted to work things out until after we took his daughter to Disney. We were leaving on Sunday.

And I was paying for most of the trip.

I am going to agree with TeamDawson, minmay. This relationship has been too lopsided. All about his feelings, and not at all about yours. Please see a counselor -- it will help you sort all of this out. You need to find out who minmay is and what minmay really wants.

I've been seeing one since his anger issues started to try and figure out how to cope and make it so he doesn't get so mad at me. I was just really trying to get past this trip. I loved his child as well as him. And he kept promising he'd go to therapy.

Perhaps you can take the daughter to Disney without him? Or go with a friend? Go and enjoy yourself.

The trying to make it so he doesn't get mad -- that is what abuse victims try in abusive relationships. That should not be the goal. You can't make it so he won't get angry. He is angry. Only he can make it so that he reacts differently. You are not responsible for that.

Hi Minmay,

It sounds to me like your fiancé has the same problem that I did. I had some terrible mood swings over the dumbest things and I would take it out on my wife. I would even get to the point sometimes where I would break things. My wife finally told me she would leave me if I didn't get help. I discussed this with my doctor and he put me on Zoloft. I've been taking it for two months now and haven't gotten angry once. It could be your fiancé has a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes this. If you are still interested in getting back together, you might suggest this. I hope it helps. Good luck.

That is a good suggestion, Ben, and I am so glad you got help.

Ben, that is one of my stipulations if we work things out. I am sure he has a chemical imbalance. It is the same thing that happened with his dad.

Ben Matlock said:

Hi Minmay,

It sounds to me like your fiancé has the same problem that I did. I had some terrible mood swings over the dumbest things and I would take it out on my wife. I would even get to the point sometimes where I would break things. My wife finally told me she would leave me if I didn't get help. I discussed this with my doctor and he put me on Zoloft. I've been taking it for two months now and haven't gotten angry once. It could be your fiancé has a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes this. If you are still interested in getting back together, you might suggest this. I hope it helps. Good luck.