Relationships

Hi all, my marriage broke up prior to diagnoses. She thought it was just depression at first. This was back in 2005. Since then I've had 3 failed relationships, the first two I didn't tell of my diagnoses as I could mask my symptoms pretty well then. The third I had told and she accepted it ok. But as my condition worsened it made things very hard for us, as she loved to travel and stuff.

I guess what I'm trying to work out is if with ataxia you can form a good relationship? As it definetley helps not being alone.

Sorry if this sounds a little petty, but was just wondering what you guys think?

Do not expect much. he/ she who are into relationships should behave like humans first.yes relationship with a person having ataxia can be good.i love my father and my mother love him too plus i love my mate and he loves me too.i live in present.do not expect anything not even from my sister or from him.

Hi Martin, I’m sure there are people out there who will see you and not your disability. My daughter is almost 17 and has SCA and is autistic and she uses a stick and has splints on her legs and has a nice boyfriend who loves her for who she is. I’m sure this isn’t the boy she’ll marry and hope that she meets others who will love her for herself. I hope you find the same for you one day. Best wishes
April

Hi Martin - the same is true for those with any disability or no disability- you need to be in situations/places to meet people and then hopefully you will 'click' with someone. So get out, join things, go places and be positive and I hope you meet a lovely lady very soon!!

Gill



Thanks Gill, I know you are right but with the symptoms that I have I find it very challenging to go out and meet someone as I am pretty much housebound. What I was really wondering I guess was do I ultimately need to meet someone who is disabled themselves so they we can connect that way.

Thanks for your thoughts

I believed a disability could be a charming attribute, there are many people out there that like to be caretakers. Allow yourself to use whatever tools (pole, cane, chair) you need, and then see who is welling to step up and get to know you, those will be the right people for starting friendships with.

Any relationship can bloom or fail regardless of disability. I have had Ataxia for over 40 years. I have been married and divorced. Then I met my husband 16 years ago we got married last year. So its simple you're with the wrong person if ataxia becomes a problem.

hi Martin - I dont think you can say! if its difficult to get out and about to meet people in person then places like here can be useful, or internet dating places - Im a bit on the old side to have experience of those but people I know have met partners. Being nice to be around whether you have a disability or not is what will help find a happy relationship!! Try to keep positive and get out and about and engage with others, whether in person or on line - and dont make your disability the only means by which you contact others - Im sure you are interested in other things, films, or books, wildlife or music, a religion or philosophy, etc, so chat to people online about your interests if you cant get out to meet others.

Remember Martin - you only want to find one special person - just one!!! For a lot of women a man that actually wants a relationship is a step in the right direction!

keep positive,

Gill

Thank you for your kind words, I shall think on...

I can only share my experience. I was diagnosed with spino-cerebellar degeneration (unknown hereditary ataxia) at age 27 I stopped driving and started using Canadian crutches (forearm crutches) to assist my walking. My brother, as a gift, enrolled me in a class along with himself. During this class I met many new and interesting people. One woman and I hit it off and she gave me her number.I called and invited her to my home explaining that I did not drive. Since I don,t believe in dishonesty (and not disclosing the truth IS dishonest) when it was clear that we we were going to enter a relationship I explained ataxia and how it was progressive. I told her if she could deal with that we could start a relationship if not we could just be friends. To make a long story short we have been married 22 years. I am now in a wheelchair but my wife assures me that when she looks at me she does not see the chair. Ataxia is no more a roadblock to love than being human is.

I used to think that having a relationship with another person with a disability would provide for a built-in-overcoming-obstacles DNA/can-do attitude or whatever.

Now, although I think that that’s an important perspective for any person in a relationship to have (with me, anyway), I think that a person can have that perspective with having some other type of life-long challenge, and not necessarily a disability.

Even with this attribute of the other person, I think that it comes down to you first: your perspective on your disability and life in general, honoring and respecting your own boundaries and limitations, etc.

My theory is that once you’re okay with how you feel about yourself, that same feeling will overflow into how you treat others; you will expect getting the same feeling from another in return; and if you don’t, you know that it’s a different kind of fit and maybe time to move on to find a better-for-you fit.

Then there’s that crazy little element of love that throws any logic out the window :slight_smile:

Gfgill brought up a good point about joining groups - online or in-person - with people who have similar interests than you. At least if you’re interested in someone in a hobby group that you join, you know that you share at least one commonality with that person, have something to talk about, and chances are your first-date won’t be (as) awkward.

My situation is different from yours. I was married at the time I was diagnosed in 2007, and my husband said he would take care of me, but he meet someone else, and begin to have an affair, and we were divorced in Oct 2012. I don't think my disease was the reason for the divorce. I had to move from my house in Atlanta, to San Diego, to live with my kids. I know what you mean though, it would be really nice to have someone in your life, but it seems to be hard to find anyone willing to care for me. I don't think this really answered your question, but did want to share this with you. I wish I had answers or advice.....but I don't. Good luck to you!!! Oh, I have SCA 1.

My husband and I fight, some is ataxia and other is related like trying to be gluten free. I don't think we will split over this since we have been together over 25 years but I understand the feeling of needing someone there. I think I would give up without support.

I see men are in demand at my age. not sure how old you are but there are those who want to be more homebodies and have a stable companion. Physical ability may not be important, but I think disclosing can save time in weeding out any who will leave when the going is bit rough. It is a tough thing for my friends and some are taken advantage of. be honest but assertive and don't settle for just anyone.

I feared the same thing thats why i tired to put off being diagnoses for as long as I could, but then i met someone who convinced me to get it done. When we found out that I did have ataxia. I was so scared that it would end my relationship but to my surprise its still going strong. So I guess what I'm saying is it is possible to have a relationship with someone. You just have to find that right person. You never know what the future but the right person will stay around.

Hi KarmenElectriK thanks for your responses and kind words, I would never try and deceive anyone about my ataxia not that I could lol!! I hope your right about men being in demand, BTW I'm 45



KarmenElectriK said:

My husband and I fight, some is ataxia and other is related like trying to be gluten free. I don't think we will split over this since we have been together over 25 years but I understand the feeling of needing someone there. I think I would give up without support.

I see men are in demand at my age. not sure how old you are but there are those who want to be more homebodies and have a stable companion. Physical ability may not be important, but I think disclosing can save time in weeding out any who will leave when the going is bit rough. It is a tough thing for my friends and some are taken advantage of. be honest but assertive and don't settle for just anyone.

Hi all,

Thanks for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it. Don't get me wrong I'm not too down now but still looking, fingers crossed!!!

My first husband died when our children were 12 and 14 years. We had been married 20 years. I did not have ataxia while he and I were together. I was diagnosed with ataxia eleven years ago. I married my second husband eight years ago. My ataxia has progressed, but my husband is my best friend, very supportive and understanding. He also attends my neurology appointments with me and acts as my patient advocate, which I greatly appreciate. He loves me for me, and I feel very fortunate to have him in my life! ;o)